Will practice for self-esteem.

I’m at Starbucks to get some extremely last minute projects done (two projects: one started but requires a partner's input, and the other started but in serious rough draft mode), and I'm pissed because they are:

• Out of sparkling mineral water

• Out of chai tea

• Unable to make any "refresher" beverages

So I am drinking an iced coffee.

The good news is, they're also not playing any shitty music. The bad news is I've spent more time writing this than I have on actual schoolwork. Schoolwork that is due tomorrow. TOMORROW.

It is entirely possible that I dig these holes for myself because I know that I almost always crawl out, if not victorious, than at least covered in a small amount of dirt and worms.

I thought about this, seriously, the other day. My dear sweet friend Sarah is getting married later this year, and she has asked me to play something at the wedding. On the flute. On the flute I haven’t played since last August.

That SAME DAY (because I am not stupid) I got my flute out and blew some notes.

It was terrible. Fuzzy. Cracking. Stiff fingers. Bad lip.

But then I got it out the next day (just for fifteen minutes. My friend at work thinks that’s crazy: “What can you accomplish in fifteen minutes!?” The answer, of course, is nothing. However, it’s also not long enough to get discouraged by my shitty tone. See? I know what I’m doing, here.), and then the next day, and then the next. I may have taken a day off. Then I had a flute lesson, and for the first time, was face to face with a tuner. I expected that exercise to be horrible, but it wasn’t. And so I am starting to sound better, losing the the squawking and cracking, my tone is getting smoother (not glassy enough for my taste but that’s OK for now), and my fingers are remembering what it is that they’re supposed to do.

And the thought I had was, what if I let all that time go by because I wasn’t feeling challenged or interested much by music so I had to let it go until it was almost gone (maybe not almost gone, but almost almost gone) so that I could get it back again?

And maybe do something different with it? Maybe I could dirty up my super pretty tone and add some more colors to my sound? I’ve always had trouble with this: given a choice, I would rather sound like ME than sound like whatever the music calls for (i.e., I want you to always know you’re listening to me. But doesn’t that get boring? It DOES, don’t answer). I KNOW it’s boring. I know it’s superficial. I know it’s scary to try something different.

I’d also like to try (whispering) some improvising, or just more fooling around. I need some creativity that isn’t just interpretation. I could do that, maybe?

Anyway, a thought.

But the main point is, I don’t want to suck for my friend’s wedding. I was honored to be asked. So: have gig will practice, which has always been my way.

It has also always been my way when it comes to getting schoolwork done. Which I should probably do, now.