A sudden, arboreal stop

I had a dream last night, and it was so vivid that I’ve been thinking about the little details all day.

I realize that the fact that I found my own dream “vivid’ doesn’t mean it will hold any interest for anyone else, but there you go.

It was in two parts, probably because I woke up at least once.

The first part, I was in an office building. The office I was in was very posh, which I felt in the dream but which upon reflection was probably a little girl’s idea of a fancy office. There was a lot of gold and marble, and black stuff (couches? Curtains? Who knows).

I don’t know what my role in this dream was, or I can’t remember; maybe I didn’t have one. The primary occupatnt of the office seemed to be a man, my age or older (?), and he was having a meeting with his sister. His sister looked the woman who played Hope in the tv show thirtysomething. She was pissed off because she got called in to the office from someplace - Rome or something. There was a scandal brewing: the brother had had an affair with… someone, and as it turned out, the sister was really the one in charge. Anyway, they had a huge fight and there might have even been a gun.

The second part of my dream, I was in a part of Culver City I’ve never been in and which I’m pretty sure doesn’t exist. A friend of mine used to live over by the movie studios, and there are streets back there that are a mystery to me. Still I don’t think my dream neighborhood is real. If it is, we couldn’t afford it anyway. Culver City is out of our range and always has been.

It was a very cool looking neighborhood, more like a movie set or that area of Disneyland/California Adventure that has the painted scenery. Everything looked quaint and clean, there were little shops. I hate to say this, but maybe it looked a little like Stars Hollow (stupid Gilmore Girls).

I was riding a bike and zooming around, when the chain to the bike fell off. I came to a (sudden arboreal stop? No, but thank you, Aaron Sorkin!) crashing heap on the sidewalk and got up and walked my bike across the street to a very conveniently located bike shop.

I started looking around at the bikes, and told the guy to hold off on fixing it… maybe I wanted a new one. He and I talked about bikes for a while, and then we both ran out of the store - we smelled smoke.

This dream is getting dumber and dumber the more words I try to use to describe it, but I’m in it now, even if it sucks. Smoke was coming out of the windows of the apartment over the bike shop, so we ran up some stairs and into an apartment. There were a couple of kids in the kitchen, and they were so scared they were frozen. The fire wasn’t too big yet but we knew we had to get out. The kids finally woke up to what was happening and we all ran downstairs.

That’s it! Bye!

Love is in the... clench

(Episode 4, “With love, Meghan” - Love is in the Details)

I’m getting back to this, finally. To remind you, I am watching “With love, Meghan” and without much planning or forethought or anything, blogging my “live” reactions. And as an extra special reminder, I am not doing this because I have some animus for Meghan: I do not. I don’t think she’s bad or evil or mean. I think she’s a little awkward (helllo, it me), has a lot of money, possibly not super realistic ideas, and needs a haircut. These are my opinions. Yours may be different. Her show is new, kind of not great, and I need practice writing. It’s been a while. So hop on board, let’s go.

The show starts with “Don’t Fence Me In” playing over scenes of what I assume is Montecito (damn it’s pretty! When are we going?), and Meghan in the - surprise! - kitchen.

Whoever is singing this cover (it can’t be Bing, right?) has a really nice voice. It reminds me of this dude I follow on Instagram who plays the cello and has a beautiful, haunting voice. He covers songs from all genres, and I really enjoy his posts. Check out his website (hey, I sound just like I did in 2006! Hello Readers!).

Meghan tells about her “dear friend” Delfi while she’s manhandling some jars and talking about making “sun tea.” My mom used to make this, I think? Mom didn’t use dehydrated citrus or make her own sachets.

I really need to know who’s covering “Don’t Fence Me In”!

I absolutely hate this feature of the dude from the crew (the director?) talking to her from offstage. If you want her to talk about her childhood or her process of making sun tea, LET THE GUESTS INTERACT WITH HER. Who is this guy??

Meghan’s tea bag floating in the mason jar looks like a baby octopus.

Oh sweet, she’s making tea bags for her buddy Delfi, who she knows because their husbands play polo together. Her husband’s name is “Nacho,” and I love that, I’ve never met a guy named Nacho who wasn’t like, my third cousin in jail.

Ah, she’s making “mate”! Yeah, I watched “Mozart in the Jungle”! My husband went through a mate phase. I was not a fan.

Oh, and she’s making dog biscuits. She puts on a perfect white apron and I wish she’d pull her hair back. Her doggo is cute.

OK, see, her having to point out that she’s using filtered water “of course” in the dog biscuits, yeah, it’s kind of annoying. I don’t think even Martha points out that it of course must be filtered water in the whatever. Martha would point out that she’s using the BEST flour, or that the eggs were hatched this morning by her very own chickens, but filtered water? It’s Montecito, Meghan, not Fresno (I visited Cal Matters for information about the worst tap water in California).

I’ve watched enough cooking shows to know that real bakers prefer French rolling pins. (If you’re ever shopping for a present for me and want to get me something totally cool that I would never buy for myself, I’d like a French rolling pin from Vic Firth. Thanks!) Well, maybe that’s all they had in the rental house.

That’s a really beautiful oven! Aren’t expensive things lovely?

Now she’s making raspberry preserves for her buddy Delfi, and she’s breaking the rules man!

Is it possible to be awkward but also totally confident at the same time? She just feels so tight, so anxious, so clenched. I’m not relaxed watching this. I don’t trust her to be an expert in the things she’s telling me. I don’t want to make sun tea, dammit.

Did she say the dog biscuits are for her own dog, or her friend’s dog? Oh, Delfi’s dog, She’s going to present them in a little jar, which is cute, but the ratty beige bow she ties around it looks like it was made out of that janky fabric that covers the underside of your couch, the one my cats have totally ripped so that they can get up in there and hide.

Her dog is REALLY cute.

Her friend Delfi is very pretty and her accent is sexy. I had no idea I liked an Argentinian accent. This is something I wish I’d known 30 years ago.

Ugh, even I am bored by this episode. SO MUCH BEIGE.

They should talk more about speaking Argentinian Spanish (oh and the background music turned all Latin-y) or Meghan’s time living in Argentina.

Meghan does this thing of talking to her friend but looking at the camera. There’s just nothing natural about her, and I know she was an actress (I tried watching “Suits” but couldn’t get into it), but there’s so much TRYING here. Delfi is much more natural on camera.

They go on a hike, and HOLY SHIT IT’S BEAUTIFUL WHEREVER THEY ARE.

OK, them dancing on the trail is pretty cute.

Now we’re making “lavender towels” and I had no idea I needed lavender towels! Oh wait, it involves essential oils, and ever since I learned that most essential oils are toxic to cats, I stopped using it. I’d like to try out a lavender towel so if you make some and want to let me try them, that’s cool, but I won’t be making them myself.

Meghan and Delfi are in their 3rd outfits and we’re only 20 minutes in.

I know the Le Creuset pans are annoying to some people but the one they’re making the foccacia in is pretty. And it looks really nice when it’s done.

I like the way Delfi talks about her kids.

So, hey, I’d eat this pasta dish with all the greens and lemon and cheese. And the charcuterie looks good too, but dude, even I can put a charcuterie board together. For two people? Easy peasy. I’d use red grapes, not green, though!

Meghan and Delfi wrap themselves in pretty beige wraps and take the food outside to hoard from the dog, Pula, who watches with sad, sad eyes.

Delfi points out that Meghan looked like she was most in her element when they were hiking, and I have to agree. It just feels more natural.

The music choices for this episode are weird.

It’s possible I was bored.

Three Kids From L.A.

(Episode 3, “With love, Meghan” - Two Kids From L.A.)

Hey, look, I made it to episode 3! I’ve actually been looking forward to this episode because Roy Choi is fun on TV.

So…. I wrote a whole bunch of paragraphs and once I realized I had gotten in to analyzing this woman, I knew it was time to stop.

That said, these things are obvious to me:

1. She’s kind of a people-pleaser.

2. She’s a snob.

3. She has good taste.

4. Her intentions are good.

5. She doesn’t know how to be “herself” and she hasn’t figured out that she could have developed a completely new character.

6. This show needed a fucking writer.

I’m only going to write about the parts with Roy Choi in them because he’s charming. I know he’s been on TV many times before, but he succeeds at seeming natural where she… doesn’t.

They’re making quick pickles! I’ve made these! Out of watermelon! It was delicious!

I love how he asks if she has salt. She probably has 20 kinds of salt.

They bond over their need to clean up their messes, and I think that’s nice.

What’s “home training”? Put it on the list: creamer milk, birdsong, home training.

Roy’s story about being one with the food is a little weird but her reaction is cute.

Meghan goes on a a bit of a stream of consciousness thing about science and urban gardening and Roy’s murmuring, yeah, yeah, like a good listener.

That garden is beautiful! Roy talks about his bad luck with veg “in its natural habitat”, “but when they reach their final destination…,” Meghan says, “You commune at chapter 2” which is the cutest thing I’ve heard her say. See Meghan? I knew you could do it.

Meghan claims her peppers are spicy but Roy eats one and compares it to a pepperoncini. They’re good together.

Meghan pours hot liquid into a glass jar while holding it, which you should never do unless you’d like an unexpected trip to the ER.

The little pickle jars look so appealing!

Roy kind of takes over, and thank god.

He compliments her knife skills, and I mean, come on Roy.

They should hire him as a consultant for the next season.

Meghan offers a taste of sauce to the guy off camera who is now fully on camera, and I’m still wondering why this bit exists.

They’re making dueling crudite platters.

The watermelon kimchi looks good!

Meghan looks very shocked about Roy listening to death metal and speed metal while cooking. The Duchess has never heard of Cannibal Corpse? Motorhead? I don’t believe it.

The table of kimchi and crudite looks really inviting. They nailed it.

Roy’s talk about MSG is nice. He says something about how food culture is so open now, and I’m glad to hear it, because it seems like every day the world gets a little shittier.

Meghan does a little dance to some muzak while waiting for water to boil, which, I mean, same. Oh, Roy’s not onscreen, so I won’t comment about this bit any more.

Roy also addresses the unseen people and it’s a little distracting.

The comparison of eating your own food with kissing yourself is kind of gross.

The fried chicken looks amazing. I’ve had food from the Kogi truck but maybe it’s time to go to one of Roy’s restaurants. Hey, it looks like two of them are in my hometown. See? I’m an LA kid too, Meghan.

He’s a good teacher, and she’s a good student. And I really want some watermelon and strawberry kimchi!

This is the best episode by far. Except for those dumb looking donuts.

Welcome to the Jungle

(Episode 2 of “With love, Meghan” - Welcome to the Party)

I know all these episodes are streaming now, and apparently Season 2 has been approved (I don’t remember where I heard that so don’t quote me), so I’d better get to it.

Mindy Kaling is going to be in this episode, and I kind of wonder why she agreed to it. Her basketball show “Running Point” was surprisingly pleasant. Are these guests paid? I mean, it’s no big deal for Mindy but Daniel the MUA needs a bigger kitchen.

Hey, OK now. The show starts with Meghan out in the garden, wearing some pretty cute green overalls, plucking blackberries from a blackberry bush and placing them into a wicker basket. Maybe Meghan’s sense of what is proper comes from watching Jane Austen movies? Where’s the big hat? Maybe in the next episode she’ll get out her pianoforte.

I’m really just writing this to amuse myself, aren’t I.

When I was a kid, when our very sweet neighbors Mickey and Ed went out of town, they would ask me to help out by going into their yard and harvesting their eggplant and berries. I think they also had tomatoes. Anyway, those blackberries were so tasty even though the bushes were covered in ants. I can’t remember if they paid me but I know I ate a lot of blackberries, n ants, and 0 eggplant.

Later when I was older, I taught myself how to smoke cigarettes behind their garage.

Oh it’s an apron not overalls. Never mind. I’m mildly disappointed.

Some voice from somewhere speaks to her, and that’s weird. Who is this guy? Later he comments about her preparation for Mindy as if he has somehow contributed to it. I think they thought this was fun and unexpected. Maybe it is.

Maybe it isn’t.

Meghan announces that her buddy Mindy is coming over, and we are now in another/someone else’s kitchen, which is super beige but looks expensive. I wish they had soapstone counters. They’re so pretty but I wonder how they stand up to use. Meghan offers another stranger off screen some coffee, and announces that she’s going to make a frittata to feed Mindy Kaling, using 8 to 12 (exact number to remain a mystery) eggs.

I kind of feel bad pointing out all the weird things I think she’s doing, but I feel like someone else on her team should’ve maybe asked themselves, “Who says ‘creamer milk’?”

She’s making French press coffee, which is how I make my coffee. I like just plain old half & half and a bit of sugar in my coffee, though, and please don’t bother pouring it into an old timey milk bottle; the little carton is fine. Thanks!

“My bacon brings all the boys to the yard. Love, Meghan”

I wonder if Meghan is charming in real life? I bet she is. Next season I suggest hiring some writers.

The frittata looks great but this seems like a lot of eggs for 2 people.

It’s parfait part-ay time!

Seriously: writers.

Mindy arrives.

Mindy and Meghan’s interactions convince me of just how awkward Meghan is. Mindy tells a story about receiving the 50th jar of preserves and considers out loud what significance that number holds in regard to her ranking among the important people in Meghan’s life. She even does a bit of internet stalking.

Meghan tells Mindy that she made 50 jars of preserves (“So I saved one out of fifty for my mom…”) so now Mindy knows: she got the last jar. There are 49 people ahead of her. Meghan could have made this funny but she’s so earnest. If any of this was actually real, I would’ve been offended.

Maybe they should hire Mindy to write the show.

She’s making Mindy eat standing up.

Meghan sets the agenda of the fake kids’ party (so that Mindy can fire her event coordinator) and one of the things they’re going to make is mint tea.

I guess kids in Montecito drink mint tea.

So: full confession: when my son turned 6 we had a huge party for him. I am not a party person, so planning this party took considerable effort on my part. We invited his whole class, and I hired a lego guy, and we had chicken wings, pizza, awesome salads from Lazy Acres, rented tables and chairs, a pop up canopy, and I will admit: it was a little bougie. I definitely had the same try-hard energy as Meghan.

Now Meghan has moved on to balloon arch time, and she shows a little clip of herself making one in the past. Harry’s voice makes an appearance. She’s holding like 4 balloons in her hand and when she tells him what she’s making, he says “Doesn’t look like much of an arch.” Maybe he didn’t mean to sound like a dick but my own experiences with this kind of comment makes me wince a little. It’s not done, sir, she has a lot more arch to make. Cool it, Henry.

Mindy and Meghan banter back in the kitchen but I cannot be bothered to comment on it and then they start making finger sandwiches for the fake kids.

The notorious Markle v. Sussex incident occurs at around minute 16, and, you know guys, I don’t know. I think all it does is show that Mindy is trying to relate to Meghan and Meghan doesn’t know how to do that. I think… I would’ve probably said something, too, even though it would come off as showing off. Maybe I would’ve said something off camera. So is that what this show is? A platform to remind us of who she is? Mindy goes with the flow but Meghan can’t really hang.

THE PRETTY BLUE AND WHITE PLATES ARE OUT AGAIN.

The “sweet little sandwich starters” aren’t all that impressive but whatever.

Meghan includes something in the guest bags called “manuka honey.”

OK, break time, because I need to know about manuka honey.

After a five minute Google dive I have learned that Manuka Honey comes from a specific place (New Zealand or Australia) and it has the name Manuka because that’s the name of the, native-to-New-Zealand-and-Australia, bush that the bees who create the honey pollinate.

After episode 1’s introduction to Meghan as some kind of honey maven, why the hell would she import honey from NZ or Australia? Couldn’t she make honey sticks at home out of her own local honey, pollinated by her own local bees?

This is not a scandal or controversy but it seems like a glitch in the thinking behind what’s being presented here. Meghan! Make your own goddamn honey sticks.

The bread she’s using to make crostini looks so good! And of the two times she’s mentioned it, once it was chevre and once it was goat cheese. I’m not keeping track, I just noticed it. I swear.

While explaining to Mindy why the being out in the garden and making pretty scenes in chevre is so important to her, she mentions her science teacher Mr. Ben. But Mr. Ben has died. This part was supposed to show her feeling something, I guess. I’m sorry, Mr. Ben. You deserved better.

Maybe Meghan can ask Josh to write a memo asking the President to issue a proclamation that it’s Mr. Ben Week? Day? (Shout out to my West Wing fans! Ha, as if anyone is reading this.)

Personally I would prefer tomatoes and basil on my crostini, thanks. No need to paint me a picture.

See, look. All of this seems so completely unnecessary.. You already have beautiful food. Is it not wiser to spend time coming up with ideas for what to top the crostini with than arranging little precious flower petals on them?

Each thing they’ve done today has been both basic, and painfully extra.

“Basic But Extra” is going to be the name of my band.

I mean, the petals are pretty! Mindy’s butterfly is adorable.

But I’m pretty sure that no one needs a lady bug/lady bird crostini. NO ONE NEEDS A LADY BUG/LADY BIRD CROSTINI.

Is the plural of crostini, crostini? Lego, Lego, sheep, sheep.

Are rainbows specific to gardens? I’ve seen rainbows in downtown LA parking lots.

12 more minutes.

Meghan’s list of things to think about when planning a kid's party sounds suspiciously like that “5 Things” exercise you’re supposed to do when you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed.

Michael cuts in to comment on the birds in the yard and Meghan states, “I love birdsong.” How funny, I love creamer milk! Why is this random guy talking to her?? Is this meant to loosen her up? It’s not working.

Coffee at a kid’s party is to remind the parents that Meghan is thinking of them, too.

Apparently there’s something wrong with the blueberries? Whatever, it seems like nothing.

Dude, come on. Show me a child who drinks mint tea.

God their little conversations are so tortured.

Meghan and Mindy change into some beautiful floral dresses and pumps and they meet up in the gazebo to party in the garden. Mindy’s dress reminds me of a dress I bought on the street during my one and only trip to France. This is NOT an insult, that dress was nice.

The conversation about how you can do this whole party on a budget and by reusing “things you found on Etsy” is totally ridiculous. Meghan’s tea set is lovely.

I would pay money to see Mindy Kaling make Meghan Sussex a frozen burrito in a microwave.